


Randomizer Fun

by animatedrose



Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon - All Media Types
Genre: Abra likes dancing, Dancing, Gen, N being N, Sorry Not Sorry, charmander arm cannon, don't take this seriously, flying into the sunset, from my old fanfiction.net account, idk - Freeform, lots of swearing and bold and all caps text, old, random guys get dumped into the Pokemon world, randomized encounters, sea full of Charmanders that don't die, this is all a big dumb joke, this will probably never get updated but you never know, unlikely to be continued
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-11
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:46:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24656308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/animatedrose/pseuds/animatedrose
Summary: What do you get when you toss three grown men into a world full of super-powered monsters with no way of defending themselves aside from throwing balls at them? This...thing. Perry, Joe, and Roderick are brought to the Pokemon world by an old man in a lab coat for no apparent reason.Oh, did I mention there is no set location or encounters? Everything's random, guys!Please don't take this thing seriously. It's all a big, dumb joke full of dumb shenanigans from 2012.
Kudos: 1





	1. Intro Time!, a.k.a. Damn You, Old Man In A Lab Coat!!

**Congratulations! You’ve caught a wild PERRY and a wild JOE!**

“Since when the FUCK were we WILD?!”

“Let alone capable of being _caught_?”

“I mean seriously, WHAT THE FUCK?!!”

“Well, we _are_ intruders in a world full of wild animals capable of using supernatural powers that can only be tamed through the usage of a spherical red and white capturing device. Said animals are fair game for capture to just about any random ten-year-old child that wanders from home and tosses said capture device at them, effectively owning said creatures and getting them to obey the every whim of their owner. Said every whim involves brutal battles between opposing kids’ creatures that _should_ result in death but apparently only cause fainting, unless you toss in poisoning, burning, paralysis, freezing, sleeping, confusion, attraction, and other such conditions that hinder said creatures’ ability to do battle. Said conditions can be instantaneously healed at a center that specializes in healing said creatures. Said centers tend to have identical nurses in charge for reasons yet unknown to manki—”

SMASH!!

**Congratulations! You’ve caught a wild RODERICK!**

“…Damn it.”

“See what I MEAN, Rod? What the HELL is wrong with these kids?!”

“Perry, calm down before you hyperventilate to death.”

“Shut up, Joe! I’m trying to RANT here!”

“Well, we have to have been brought here for some as of yet unknown reason. Hopefully it’s a scientifically good one. I was reading an extremely interesting book before we _somehow_ ended up here.”

“And why the FUCK is it so DARK here?! Where’s the fucking LIGHTS?!”

KA-CLICK!!

The room lit up to reveal three men standing in an empty white room. One was a short man with slightly-messy red hair. One was a tall man with chin-length brown hair. The last one was in between the heights of his two companions, had black hair pulled back in a ponytail that went past his shoulder blades, and wore rectangular-framed glasses.

“Finally, some FUCKING light!” the redhead shouted.

“Perry, seriously, calm down,” the brunette begged, wringing his hands in front of him worriedly.

“Now where in the universe is this illumination originating from? I don’t see any exterior light source. Could the room itself, if you can _call_ it that, be the source of the illumination? Then why was it so dark _before_ now? Curious…” the raven-haired man muttered, rubbing his chin thoughtfully.

**Hi! Welcome to the world of Pokemon!**

“Where the fuck did THAT come from?!” the redhead, Perry, screeched.

“Dude, it’s an old man in a lab coat,” the brunette, Joe, corrected.

“There was nobody present in the room before now. Where in the universe did he originate from? The same place as this mysterious illumination? This goes against all logic…” the raven-haired man, Roderick, said.

The old man in the lab coat ignored them all, continuing to speak.

**You’re about to embark on a journey full of dreams and wonder! Unfortunately, you don’t get a starter Pokemon to protect yourself! You’ve got to catch your own!**

“Oh, what the FUCK, man!” Perry shouted.

“Why don’t we get a starter?” Joe asked nervously.

“I assume that an explanation is in order,” Roderick replied.

**Nope! Assuming just makes an ass out of you and me! Only I’m not an ass! Not yet anyway!**

“What the FUCK!” Perry yelled.

**The world’s been messed up by all the cheat codes kids these days have been using! Since you get no starters, I’ll give you something else instead! Maybe it’ll help you live through the terrors of your new lives! Enjoy!**

“T-T-Terrors?” Joe squeaked, instantly terrified.

“New lives?” Roderick repeated, confused.

“Give me my FUCKING starter, you ASSHOLE!” Perry screamed, pouncing upon the old man in a lab coat.

The old man in a lab coat disappeared, causing Perry to crash into a trio of bikes. “Ow! What the FUCK, man?!” he cried.

**Congratulations! You’ve received a BIKE, an OLD ROD, a MAP, and a bunch of POKE BALLS!**

“HAH! Get it, Rod? OLD Rod? HAH!” Perry laughed after climbing off of the bikes.

“It’s not that funny,” Joe said. After a moment, he clapped a hand over his mouth to stop his laughs. “Okay, never mind! It’s pretty funny!”

“Hah hah… _Hilarious_ ,” Roderick said sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

**Either way, it’s time for you to go! Have fun with the wild Pokemon roaming the planet! Bye!**

The floor suddenly opened up, tossing the trio out and into the sky. They were hundreds of miles off the ground.

“FUCK YOU, OLD MAN IN A LAB COAT!!” Perry screamed as he fell.

“MOMMY, I’M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!!” Joe wailed as he fell.

“This is all scientifically and logically impossible,” Roderick said as he fell.

Within seconds, they all crashed into the ground. Oddly enough, none of them were seriously injured. Getting to their feet, the trio looked around.

“Where the FUCK are we NOW?!” Perry complained.

“In a never-ending field of grass?” Joe guessed, gesturing to the endless stretch of tall grass surrounding them.

“It’s scientifically _impossible_ for any plant matter to have no end, Joe.” Roderick corrected, pushing his glasses up his nose. “It _must_ and _will_ end somewhere. We just have yet to pinpoint exactly _where_ it ends.”

“So, now what?” Joe asked.

“Want to ride our new bikes somewhere in THAT direction?” Perry asked, pointing in front of them.

Joe shrugged, nodding. “Sure, sounds cool to me.”

“At least we’ll be making _some type_ of progress in this unknown world we’ve been thrown into.” Roderick muttered.

“Dude, it’s the world of Pokemon. Not an unknown world.” Joe reminded, hopping onto his bike.

“Yeah, get it RIGHT, man!” Perry agreed, hopping onto his bike.

“…Whatever,” Roderick muttered, hopping onto his bike.

“Let’s ride into the SUNSET, guys!” Perry cried.

“But there’s no sunset,” Joe pointed out.

“Then let’s MAKE a fucking SUNSET!” Perry shouted.

The bright blue sky above suddenly became a wild mix of red, orange, pink, and purple. The sun was setting in front of them. Ignoring Roderick’s complaints about things not being scientifically possible, the trio rode into the sunset as planned…

…until they were stopped by a huge three-headed dragon bursting out of the grass in front of them.

“Holy FUCK, what IS that THING?!” Perry yelled.

“I believe it’s a Hydreigon, a Dark/Dragon-type Unova native Pokemon,” Roderick replied.

“Um, guys! It kinda looks mad. It’s even charging up its—” Joe yelped.

**Enemy HYDREIGON used HYPER BEAM!**

“—laser!” Joe finished.

“We’re blasting off AGAIN!” Perry howled as he was sent soaring into the distance.

“But Perry, we’ve never blasted off before!” Joe cried as he was sent soaring into the distance.

“This is all scientifically _impossible_ , you know,” Roderick grumbled as he was sent soaring into the distance.

“No one CARES, Rod!” Perry and Joe shouted.

“Whatever,” Rod muttered.

The Hydreigon watched them become nothing more than a glittering speck in the sky. Then it turned and headed back the way it came. Two green-haired people suddenly showed up in the distance.

“Hydreigon, _there_ you are! Blowing up some insignificant pests, I hope!” Ghetsis praised, patting it on the head lovingly.

“I hope it wasn’t some poor Pokemon enslaved by cruel trainers!” N whimpered, staring in the direction that Hydreigon had come from. “I must go make sure! I’m coming, my friends~!”

N dashed away into the grass, calling out to the innocents blown away by Hydreigon’s Hyper Beam.

Ghetsis groaned. “Damn kid. If it wasn’t for his foolishly blind love for Pokemon, I wouldn’t need him for my plans of world domination. Such is my life. Come along, Hydreigon. We can’t lose that brat, can we?”

Hydreigon shook its head in agreement with its master. The pair promptly followed after N. All three would forever remain unaware of the fate of the three intruders that were dropped into the Pokemon world for seemingly no reason at all.

…Or was there a reason after all?

DUN DUN DUN!!


	2. Fishing for Chompy, a.k.a. Isn't That Supposed To Be Dead?

“Dude, where ARE we?” Perry asked.

The trio had somehow landed, bikes and all, on a deserted beach by what appeared to be an ocean. There were umbrellas and tables and even a fishing shack. No people, though. Nobody except the three of them.

“Hey, we’ve got FISHING RODS, right?” Perry reminded. “Let’s try them out HERE!”

“Yeah! Maybe we’ll finally get our starters!” Joe agreed excitedly.

“You _do_ know there’s a very minuscule percent chance of encountering a starter Pokemon due to all of the cheat codes that have been implemented in this twisted environment, right?” Roderick asked.

“…Huh?” Perry and Joe stared at the raven-haired man in confusion.

“…You know WHAT? FUCK what he says!” Perry declared. “I’M fishing!”

“Me too! Me too!” Joe cried.

“And…you’re ignoring my existence, aren’t you?” Roderick muttered. “I may as well try my hand at hooking a Pokemon.”

So the trio of wayward men sat on the shore, fishing rods in hand and lines cast. After a while of waiting, Roderick gave up and sat quietly by his friends. Shortly after that, Perry grew bored and quit fishing. That left Joe to fish alone, his two friends watching him from where they lay on the sandy beach.

“…Dude, this is SO boring!” Perry complained.

“Fishing takes much patience if you desire to hook anything,” Roderick reminded.

“…You know what? FUCK you!” Perry growled.

**There’s a Pokemon on the hook!**

“What the FUCK was THAT?!” Perry screeched.

“Dude, I’ve got something! Come and see!” Joe cried, reeling in his line as fast as he could. “It’s a… It’s a…”

The sky above, clear and blue moments earlier, instantly become dark and stormy. Thunder boomed in the distance, roaring over the crashing waves. Rain pelted the trio like needles, causing pain wherever they hit. The sea lurched up, a massive shadow appearing beneath the waves.

“Jesus CHRIST, it’s gotta be HUGE!” Perry shouted.

“It’s my starter, all right!” Joe declared, continuing to reel.

“Somehow, I seriously doubt that that’s a starter Pokemon, Joe!” Roderick argued weakly, backing up. “It’s too much of a behemoth! Starter Pokemon are small in comparison to this creature! You must have hooked something immense! How is that line _not_ snapping?”

“Don’t know! Don’t care! I’m catching this!” Joe cried happily, continuing to reel.

With a final clap of thunder, the sea exploded upward. The reel of Joe’s fishing rod ate up every bit of slack, dragging its catch into the shallows. When the beast was close enough, the rod lifted it up and out of the water to dangle in front of Joe.

“It’s a… It’s a…” Joe whispered, eyes wide in adoration upon seeing it.

“Oh, you’re kidding me!” Roderick slapped his forehead. “We were worried about a monster, but you got _that_ instead! How terribly _ironic_!”

“Dude, it’s a SALAMANDER!” Perry yelled. “And its TAIL is on FIRE!”

Dangling from the end of Joe’s line, a hook through its upper lip…was a small orange lizard with a yellow belly and a flaming tail tip. The lizard wiggled about, trying to free itself from the sharp hook.

“Dude, it’s a Charmander! I got a starter! Sweet!” Joe cried, eyes showing nothing but instant love for the creature. “I’m catching it and naming it Chompy!”

“…Chompy?” Roderick repeated. “Please don’t tell me you have the childish _idiocy_ to actually call it that? _Chompy?_ That is _grade school_ intelligence at work in your head right now, Joe!”

“I don’t care! It will be my Chompy!” Joe declared, pulling a Poke Ball from his belt.

“Dude, WAIT! We gotta put its TAIL out!” Perry shouted. “It’s burning ALIVE!”

“ _Don’t_ , you idiot! If you extinguish the flame on its posterior appendage, you will instantaneously _kill_ it!” Roderick barked. “It needs that flame to live!”

“…Oh,” Perry dropped the bucket of water that he was holding. “Hey, WAIT! Water kills it and we just fished it from the sea. Isn’t that supposed to be dead then?”

“Well, I…” Roderick suddenly turned to look at the hooked lizard. “Well… That’s as scientifically impossible as you can get. The flame obviously can’t originate from a magnesium source unless such material is present within its posterior appendage.”

“Well, I don’t _care_! I’m catching it!” Joe cried. “Come to daddy, Chompy!”

Before Roderick could protest any further, Joe threw the Poke Ball at the hooked Charmander. Since the lizard was dangling so close to him, however, the sphere rebounded off of its stomach and hit Joe in the face. Fortunately, it opened up in the correct direction and sucked the Charmander inside.

“I’ll have you know that since it is at full stamina, the likelihood of it being captured on the first try is very little to—”

KA-CLICK!

**Congratulations! You’ve caught a wild CHARMANDER!**

Roderick froze mid-rant upon seeing the Poke Ball stop twitching. “…none…” he reluctantly finished.

“Wahoo! I’ve got Chompy! Come to daddy, buddy!” Joe cried, pressing the button to let his new Charmander out.

The Charmander shook its head, fingering the hole in its upper lip from the hook. Upon seeing Joe, it instantly began growling. Joe took no notice, though, and reached out his right hand to it.

“Hiya, Chompy! I’m Joe, your trainer!” he said joyfully. “Let’s be friends!”

CHOMP!

“Uh, Joe? I don’t think it wants to be friends.” Roderick said, glasses slipping down his nose in shock.

“JOE! It ate your HAND!” Perry screamed.

“Awww! Look, guys! He likes me!” Joe exclaimed, lifting his right arm up to display the Charmander that had swallowed the entirety of his right hand. “See? He’s giving me a love bite!”

“If THAT’S a LOVE bite, I don’t WANT to see a HATE bite!” Perry decided.

“Joe, I believe I can correctly theorize that Chompy is not giving you a love bite.” Roderick said shakily. “I believe he is attempting to devour your hand. He desires to sever it at the wrist, consume it whole, let it stew in his stomach for a few days, and then return for seconds. Keep in mind, he _is_ a predator. This is probably normal for his species.”

“…No, he’s not,” Joe disagreed. “He’s giving me a love bite. Chompy wouldn’t hurt me!”

“Joe, you _are_ aware that you are loosing an extremely excessive amount of blood…right?” Roderick pointed out the river of blood gushing down the brunette’s arm.

“Don’t worry! This won’t kill me!” Joe reassured.

Moments later, Joe collapsed to the ground in a slowly growing pool of blood.

“JOE! Don’t DIE, man!” Perry shouted.

“There’s a fishing shack over there, Perry. Let’s transport him there and search for a medical kit.” Roderick instructed. “Keep in mind, we may need to amputate Joe’s hand in order to separate him and Chompy.”

“…NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” Perry wailed, tears gushing down his face.

In the end, Joe woke up right as rain in the morning. Amputation was not necessary, much to Perry’s relief. Unfortunately, Chompy never did let go of Joe’s right hand. He has remained permanently attached to the brunette’s wrist. To this day, Chompy dangles there in the hand’s place. The two of them have never been happier.

“Can we go get OUR starters now?” Perry asked.

“Yes,” Roderick nodded. “Let’s go investigate the grass in that direction. It might yield some interesting Pokemon for us.”

“SWEET, man!” Perry cried, racing away toward the grass on his bike.

“Wahoo! More Pokemon, dude!” Joe raced after him on his own bike, Chompy gripping the right handle bar with his hands and feet.

“Oh, dear,” Roderick muttered, pedaling after his two friends.

They biked away from the empty shore and its sea full of Charmanders that should be dead. They would one day return to fish again, only it likely wouldn’t be here. Any body of water would do, really. They probably don’t care.

And that is how the first of these three friends got a starter Pokemon.


	3. Dance, Dance, MFer!, a.k.a. Great Minds Think Alike

“Hey, guys! LOOK what I FOUND!” Perry shouted.

“Hey! Is that a radio? Sweet!” Joe cried, hopping from foot to foot in excitement. “We can listen to music! Yay!”

“Why in the known universe would a radio be present in the middle of a grassy plain?” Roderick muttered. “I doubt we’re going to get any reception out—”

**“PARTY ROCKERS IN THE HOUSE TONIGHT!! EVERYBODY JUST HAVE A GOOD, GOOD, GOOD TIME!! OH-OH-OH!! OH-OH-OH!!”**

The raven-haired man lurched back, hands clapping over his ears. “—here! Why in bloom blazes are we getting _that_ kind of music?! We’re not even at home and that _damn song_ plays!”

“Who KNOWS and who CARES? I LOVE it!” Perry declared, dancing to the beat. “Come ON, Joe! Join me!”

“Uh… I can’t dance, Perry!” Joe complained, slapping his forehead with his right hand…only to yelp when Chompy ended up draped over his head instead. “Huh? Oh yeah! Chompy’s still giving me a love bite! You must really love me, huh, Chompy?”

“How little intelligence is present in your brain, Joe?” Roderick asked.

“…Huh?” The brunette stared at Rod like he’d grown a second head.

“Never mind,” Roderick muttered, looking away.

“Anyway, Perry, I can’t dan—WHOA!!”

Joe suddenly found himself twirling around, feet kicking at the ground in some crazed dance display. Perry stopping dancing in order to watch, his jaw dropping. Roderick’s glasses slipping down his nose in shock as Joe performed a complete split before dropping to the ground to do the Worm.

“…Can’t dance, my ASS!” Perry accused. “You dance BETTER than my MOM!”

“I’m not doing it, honest!” Joe yelped, doing the moonwalk.

“You _have_ to be doing it, Joe. It’s not like you’re a marionette on strings.” Roderick said.

“But maybe I _am_! I’m not moving on my own!” Joe whined. “Rod, Perry, help me! Seriously, I’m not kidding!”

Joe suddenly lunged forward, snagging Perry by the wrist and spinning him around before throwing the redhead in the air. Perry screamed in fright as he was spun and thrown around. Joe was beginning to start crying from fear at his actions. Chompy simply bit down on his trainer’s wrist harder, trying not to be thrown off by the brunette’s erratic movements.

“What am I, a fucking GIRL? Let me GO, Joe!” Perry shouted, clawing away at the other’s chest in an effort to free himself.

“I told you! I’m not doing it! I can’t move, honest!” Joe wailed, crying freely now.

“Rod, HELP!” Perry howled.

“…All right, something is most definitely wrong here. Just what could it possibly…” A blue glow nearby caught Roderick’s eye. “…be?”

Slowly approaching the glow, the raven-haired man kneeled down and pushed the thick grass aside. Sitting upright in the grass, enveloped in a blue glow, was a yellow and brown humanoid fox creature. Its eyes were closed and, if Roderick was correct in his guess, it was snoring. The odd critter was asleep.

“I believe I can correctly theorize that _you_ are the one making Joe dance,” Roderick said.

The creature didn’t respond, simply continuing to sleep.

“I think I can safely guess that you are an Abra, a Psychic-type that spends a majority of its life sleeping but can teleport to and fro without delay if it feels endangered,” Roderick continued, pulling a Poke Ball from his belt. “Seeing as you evolve into Alakazam, one of the smartest known Pokemon to exist, I’ve decided that I will capture you as my starter.”

The Abra didn’t even flinch when the Poke Ball lightly tapped its head, engulfing it inside of the sphere instantly. The ball twitched once…twice…thrice…

**Congratulations! You’ve caught a wild ABRA!**

“I shall call you Xavier, young Abra. Maybe you and I can have an intelligent conversation one day,” Roderick said, smiling at the red and white sphere in his hand.

Joe and Perry fell to the ground instantly, the dance ending. Roderick returned to them. The radio still blasted infernal music, to which Perry instantly jumped up and started dancing again, this time of his own accord. Joe just stayed on the ground, trying to calm a distressed Chompy so his wrist would stop bleeding.

And that is how the second of these three friends got a starter Pokemon.


End file.
